


Letting Go

by imaginaryfriendashkun



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: AU, Crush, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Sided Love, normal office workers, overcoming feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginaryfriendashkun/pseuds/imaginaryfriendashkun
Summary: Barry, Cisco, Caitlin, Iris work in a regular office. Barry has a crush on Harry, a department head. His friends constantly tease him about it. Caitlin and Iris talk to each other openly, Iris loves Barry but Barry is gay, Caitlin is confused as to why Iris confessed even though she doesn't want anything from Barry.





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU. I am not following exact facts related to the Flash universe. There are changes. If there are any glaring mistakes, do point out, I am not very familiar with the Flash world entirely. Just recently started watching the show.
> 
> Comments are always welcome (good or bad - related to anything - the plot, grammar etc). This is not beta'd. I will always take suggestions into consideration because I love writing and want to continuously improve my skills.

Barry walks into his office building with a cup of coffee from Jitters. A warm cup of coffee is like a comfortable heaven, especially during winter mornings. 

It's Friday and he can't wait for the weekend. He has movie plans with Iris, Cisco and Caitlin.

A voice calls out to him from behind. "Hey, Barry, wait up!"

Barry stops, he smiles, it's Cisco, cheerful and energetic as usual. Cisco is running towards him - with a similar coffee cup from Jitters along with some chocolate donuts - at full speed. How can he eat so much sugar every morning? Maybe that's why he is always hyper. It's not a scary hyper, it's just an innocent, cute, affable kind of hyper. Hyper nonetheless.

Both of them get into the elevator. It's empty, it's just the two of them. It's not surprising, it's December 22 and a lot of people have taken the day off for a long weekend with Christmas being on Monday. The usual crowd and sounds of bustling people talking with each other, hurrying to get to office on time are missing.

Barry presses number L10 after removing his gloves and leans against the walls. Why can't it be warm outside as well? Just as the doors are about to close, a hand appears between the doors and the doors 'ding' open.

A tall, dark haired, handsome man enters the elevator. He is wearing black framed glasses, his shoes are shining, he is wearing a black suit which fits him perfectly. Custom made, from the looks of it. He does not seem to be in a rush.

His hands are inside his pockets and he carries himself with great confidence. He doesn't spare a glance at Cisco or Barry. 

Barry feels as if he can't breathe. He feels blood rush to his face, his stomach feels like it's hollow and his palms are sweaty. He gulps. This is the man he has a crush on, a stupid, indescribable, pathetic, silly crush at his age. 

Barry stiffens. He doesn't even know this person's name. Doesn't know his age. Doesn't know if he is married or divorced. Doesn't know if he has kids. Doesn't know if he is in a relationship currently or not.

He just has a soul pulling, irresistible, consuming crush. Every time he sees him, he wants to talk to him, get to know him, he just wants to hug him tightly and never let go. Does this person even like cuddles? He doesn't look like the kind that likes hugging others, even if there's a valid reason. 

Barry does though. Barry has always been a touchy kind of person, especially towards people he likes - be it friends or family or dates, even if there's no reason to, he hugs people.

Initially, Barry had fallen only for the looks and the way the man carried himself. Barry has always wanted to be someone like that - confident, someone whom people can look up to, someone who can help guide people, a good leader, a good thinker, a smart worker.

Barry is good at his job, he loves what he does, he works hard. However, something holds him back from taking extra responsibility and shouldering the weight that will take him to the next level, despite having years of experience. He cannot tell if he doesn't want to or if it's something else that's stopping him.

He is nice, people like him, he likes people, he communicates well, he is responsible. People come to him for help without hesitation. He is approachable. But when shit hits the fan, people don't come to him. They go to Joe, their team lead. When facing things that are new or stressful, somehow Barry's experience just falters. 

Of course, he should definitely not be comparing himself to his team lead, Joe has like over a decade of experience under his belt, not for nothing. Sometimes, Barry is his own worst critic. He constantly pushes himself to get the best out of himself, even at times he doesn't have to.

Back to his crush. He has seen this person around for quite sometime, for a few months actually - six months, two weeks and a few days, not that he is counting or keep tabs. Barry has seen the way this person's co-workers treat him, respect him, depend on him, the way he treats them bringing out their potential- be it in social situations or work related matters. 

How does Barry know all this, you ask? It is when Barry goes for a walk - deliberately, going out of his way, as the person's department is on an entirely different floor - on this person's work floor, he watches his crush from the backstage, literally, noticing a lot of things about him. 

Barry blushes a little. He has become such a good stalker. He doesn't want to use the word 'stalker' because that's not something good. Joe, Caitlin, Cisco, Iris will probably not believe this at all. Or maybe they will be proud that he has done something out of his comfort zone. He can't say for sure.

He has even slipped into some presentations given by this person, like through the back door of meeting halls. Always entering silently in the middle of the presentation, never coming in first or never staying till the end and only for like fifteen, twenty minutes and from those few minutes, Barry has gathered what kind of a person he is when it comes to work.

The room is always crowded, most of the times, the seats are filled - this itself speaks about the man's work without Barry having to fumble for words - and there are a lot of people standing at the back and sides of the room too, so Barry can slip in and out anytime without anybody noticing him if he times it right.

He has seen him in certain office related parties as well. The way he stands all by himself with a glass of wine, elegant, aloof - pardon Barry's bias, after all he does like the man and Barry has always been a little romantic - and still like a magnet, people are attracted to him.

He has lingered around the person's team as well at times, near the break out areas, near the smoking zone even though Barry himself doesn't smoke. He has heard only good things about the man. Of course, his personality and demeanor does seem dominating, tough and 'don't give crap' about useless unnecessary things. But Barry can't help but fall more and more, little by little.

Barry thought that he would have gotten over the crush by now. But, it only seems to be increasing. He is only getting to know the person indirectly but even that has an impact on him. He doesn't want to know what will happen if he actually gets to know him in person.

He wants to know more. He wants to know the person's name, after everything he has done, he doesn't know his name! Maybe he is not a good 'stalker' after all. He doesn't have the strength to ask the man's co-workers or his own friends about the man's name. Someone around definitely must be knowing this man's name! 

But Barry is not ready to do that, if he does, there's no stepping back, it will be like he is acknowledging everything and it won't be a simple, stupid crush anymore. But maybe that's exactly what he should be doing, after all?

Like currently, Barry knows that he will probably end up doing something stupid. He backs up against the wall, there's no more room left. He wants to know a lot about this person desperately. He decides to throw all caution to hell.

He squeaks in a non high pitched - according to Barry, Cisco will say otherwise - voice, "Cisco!" and points towards the man. He nods at him.

Cisco immediately understands that this is the person their Barry has a crush on. Barry is blushing and squirming. Cisco smiles to himself. Finally, he knows. Soon, Joe, Iris and Caitlin will also know.

They have known for quite a while that Barry has a crush on someone but somehow Barry had evaded them every time they had tried to ask him and probe him for more information. 

But his smile vanishes as he sees the man staring at him. Warning bells ring. The man is looking at him from head to toe. He then looks between Barry and Cisco. He then smirks at Cisco.

Cisco's suspicions are confirmed. The man probably thinks - of course, a misunderstanding - that Cisco has a crush on him. Cisco rolls his eyes and feels a little embarrassed. He doesn't mind, he is bi after all - even if he weren't bi or gay, he won't mind - but he doesn't want this to be a barrier in Barry's path, he doesn't want to be a barrier. Moreover, he is currently dating Cynthia Reynolds and is very happy with his relationship.

 

This man looks very good and with the way he smirked at Cisco, Cisco knows that the man knows and accepts that he is good looking, he also looks like he doesn't mind that he is the object of Cisco's affections. Most probably, a lot of people have crushes on him. He looks like he gets confessed to a lot.

 

Cisco rolls his eyes. Barry has a crush on someone, for the first time, on someone who's completely different from his usual safe, sweet, innocent, cute type. (Of course, no one will say that this man is the 'sweet and innocent' type just by looking at his appearance, isn't it obvious? Or maybe Cisco is just jumping to conclusions. Not important right this moment though.)

 

Cisco feels a little bit uncomfortable. He whips out his phone and forces himself not to look at the man. Unfortunately, he doesn't know who this person is. Does Barry know anything about him? Is that why Barry has been hesitant to talk to his friends?

 

He furiously begins typing on his phone. He sneaks a sideways glance at Barry and has to stop himself from laughing out loud. Barry is trying to get a look at the person's ID card. Thank God, the man is facing forward and not looking at Cisco & Barry. So Barry doesn't even know the man's name.

 

Poor Barry, the man's ID card is flipped. The part of the ID card that is supposed to have the man's name, employee number, blood group and phone number is facing the other way.

 

Barry is near the front of the elevator now, he is still flattened against the walls but he is not at the back anymore. When had he gotten there without Cisco or the man noticing? Barry is currently, desperately, trying to bend, twist himself in weird ways to catch a glimpse, still the actions are subtle and graceful, unlike the normal clumsy Barry. And when have people ever been able to see things they have desperately wanted to? The universe has a cruel sense of humor at times.

 

The man gets down at L8. He doesn't look back again at Cisco. Maybe Cisco had creeped him out, maybe the man doesn't want the attention after all? Or maybe he is not interested in Cisco? Or maybe... the man had sensed Cisco's discomfort?

 

The elevator doors close.

 

Barry lets out a sigh of relief. He can breathe normally again. He doesn't feel as if elephants are dancing on his chest and horses are running a race in his stomach.

 

Barry looks at Cisco and realizes that Cisco is smiling creepily and knowingly at him. He is not going to let this go until Barry tells them everything. Barry sighs, he is in for an unavoidable, long, uncomfortable talk.

 

**********

 

Barry wants to dig a hole and disappear in it. Cisco is animatedly telling about the encounter to their group of friends. Even Joe is there.

 

Cisco didn't even start with his usual greeting. He had started off with Barry's crush and despite the amount of work that is yet to be completed, everyone is listening.

 

Barry had tried to interrupt a few times but Caitlin had waved him off saying, "He tells better stories than you!"

 

Barry groans and burries his head in his hands trying to drown out Cisco's voice. Joe pats him on the back but doesn't try to stop Cisco. Even Joe is enjoying this!

 

"You should have seen him. Barry was trying so much to get some info about the man! I didn't know that he could be so flexible. Barry doesn't even know his name. The person most probably misunderstood that I was the one with a crush on him thanks to Barry's antics. I wouldn't have minded but I have a beautiful girlfriend and Barry is the one with the crush here."

 

Why does he keep repeating the word 'crush'? Why does his group of friends know his insecurities and poke at it so well? Yes, probably because they have known each other for years.

 

Caitlin laughs. "How does he look?"

 

Cisco rolls his eyes. Caitlin gets the clue. Why did she even ask? Strangely, Iris hasn't said a word.

 

After what seems like a long time, after everyone has teased and laughed at Barry's expense to their hearts' content, Iris included who had joined in eventually to pitch in interesting comments, they all go back to work.

 

**********

 

"I am sorry."

 

Iris looks at Caitlin. She is surprised and confused at the same time. "Why are you sorry?"

 

Caitlin shrugs. "You know why." Caitlin hands Iris a cup of hot chocolate, which is Iris' favorite because it always helps her calm down and feel happy no matter what crap she is drowning in. Iris knows that Caitlin wants her to talk about uncomfortable things.

 

Iris sighs while taking a sip. "It's not your fault. None of them know that I have a stupid crush on Barry, other than you."

 

"They are guys, they are dense, of course they won't know. But isn't it hard for you to listen about Barry's crush when you love him so dearly?"

 

"It's hard. Doesn't mean I can't take it. And not all guys are dense, they can understand if they want to."

 

"Doesn't mean you deserve it, that you have to listen to it all the time. That's all they talk about nowadays. I get it. Our cute Barry has a crush, Cisco and Joe just want to tease him about it. And let us talk about how guys are later, don't try to change topics."

 

Iris laughs wistfully. "If you didn't know about my crush, you wouldn't be speaking like this, Caitlin. You would have been teasing Barry along with Cisco, Joe and myself included. I appreciate that you want to make me feel better but it's OK, I can take it, I am a big girl."

 

"I am glad you have someone to talk to, I am glad you told me. This is not something you should have kept to yourself. You did tell me after a long time, after much probing from my end."

 

Iris doesn't say anything.

 

"It's stupid, isn't it? He obviously won't ever like me. He sees me as a sister, he is interested only in guys. Yet I can't stop loving him. I am pathetic."

 

Caitlin sits next to her, she leans against Iris lightly.

 

"You can't just stop loving someone even if you know that they won't like you. Just like how you can't choose when or whom or how you fall in love. Give it time. You might not forget him but with time, the intensity will fade."

 

Caitlin smiles to herself as she remembers how Iris had told her.

 

**********

 

_"So, why are you smiling like an idiot? You have been for quite a few weeks. I am sure it's because you like someone. I have been asking you for quite sometime. You don't have to keep it all in all the time. I don't know how you do it, keep it all in till you burst... but I have never seen you slip."_

 

_"You are practically floating on cloud nine. You almost broke my neck the other day by over enthusiastically holding the door in a twisted position for me at the last minute as you were so distracted."_

 

_Iris looks at her like she has been struck. Is that a blush or a giggle forming? Caitlin doesn't know._

 

_"It's OK, you can tell me. You don't have to be so guarded. I am surprised no one else has noticed it."_

 

_Iris covers her face with her hands and blushes. She is embarrassed. She hesitates._

 

_"It's someone in the team."_

 

_Caitlin immediately knows who it is. It's not her, it's not Cisco, it's not Julian or Felicity, it's not any of the new members. Joe is her dad. That only leaves Barry and Oliver. Caitlin can guess who has the higher weightage._

 

_Caitlin doesn't know whether to feel sad or happy. Sad because they all know that Barry can't feel 'love' for women. Happy because Iris likes someone for the first time. Is the reason she has not been going on dates or looking for her special someone?_

 

_She is even more surprised. Iris has hidden it quite well. Normally, it is difficult to hide that you love someone, especially if you work with them daily, every freaking second._

 

_She just sighs. She can lend her ears to Iris but she can't do anything much with Barry being gay and having a crush on someone else._

 

**********

 

"I am hoping it will fade soon. It's a little bit hard."

 

Caitlin nods.

 

Iris hesitates again. She twirls her cup in her hand repeatedly. It's almost empty. She doesn't feel the usual warm comfort enveloping her. "I told him."

 

Caitlin is not sure if she heard it correctly. She is a little taken back. Iris is normally outgoing, speaks her mind and doesn't hesitate to do what's right. But with Barry, she has a lot to lose.

 

Iris and Barry practically grew up together. That's why Iris hasn't done anything, one because she knows that Barry likes someone else and two because Iris doesn't want anything. Not like something will happen anyway, even if she did want something.

 

That's why Iris was behaving in a shy, hesitant and guarded way. Unlike her usual self.

 

Caitlin looks at her like she has lost her mind. Iris bites her lip, "This is why I didn't want to tell you."

Caitlin schools her expression with difficulty. She doesn't want to drive Iris away. 

Caitlin breaks the silence. "When?"

"Two weeks back."

"Why would you voluntarily make things awkward between you two when you already know what's going to be the outcome?"

Caitlin had told Iris not to take a step. She did not want things to become harder for Iris.

"I know. I just wanted him to know. I just wanted him to know about my feelings. That I will do anything for him, that I will be there for him always. Even though I knew that I am not the one he will turn to when he is in trouble. I told him when you were on leave. You had taken a day off because you were sick and others were busy with the new project and I just told him... if you had been there, you would have held me back. I still don't know if I regret it or not but I just couldn't hold back. I was impulsive."

Caitlin waits patiently.

"Did you expect him to change his mind?"

Iris doesn't reply and Caitlin doesn't know what to make of it. She decides to let Iris finish her story.

"I tried telling him, he didn't understand, the oblivious idiot... I was too nervous and shy..."

**********

_Iris sighs. She has been pacing inside their bay for quite sometime. Nobody is here. Joe, Cisco, Felicity, Julian and Oliver are in a meeting. Caitlin is on leave. She and Barry are currently working on a different minor project._

_She feels her stomach doing flip flops. Barry will be in any minute now. She has decided finally that she will tell him. She even had thought of what she is going to say in minute detail._

_After all she is a writer at heart. She has even thought of all possible scenarios that can happen. She starts muttering to herself._

_Barry walks in. Iris' heart starts hammering wildly. She gulps._

_She sits next to him and tries her best to stop her shaking legs._

_She goes for the kill. "Barry, can I talk to you? It's a bit personal."_

_Barry looks from his laptop and smiles at her._

_Iris feels herself trying to find a way out of this. She quickly tells, "Nothing! It's nothing, Barry. Sorry."_

_Barry looks a bit confused. "Are you sure? Just tell me. Are you in any trouble?"_

_Iris feels her heart melt. He is worried about her. She shakes her head, she clamps her mouth shut because she knows she will probably end up telling something stupid before she can control herself._

_She whispers, "Don't worry about it."_

_Barry just nods. He turns back to his laptop._

_Iris just wants to slap herself. She blurts out, "If I write a poem about you, will you read it?"_

_Barry turns around so quickly that she is surprised he hasn't gotten a sprain. He looks confused._

_"I have always wanted to read your works. I was just afraid that I might judge you unconsciously. I don't like being judged, I don't want to judge someone else either. But it happens before I can stop it."_

_This was such a Barry thing to say that Iris momentarily forgets what she wants to convey._

_She shrugs, "We are humans, Barry. Sometimes, our emotions get the better of us. We can't just close off our hearts easily. I hate being judged too. But sometimes I think, if it were you, I wouldn't mind it if you judged me. Just don't misunderstand my intentions, that's all."_

_Apparently that was all Barry wanted to hear. He says, "I will read it."_

_She wants to roll her eyes. He still doesn't get it, does he? But this is not what Iris wants._

_"If I want to gift you something for Christmas, will you accept it?"_

_Barry's eyes light up. "Who doesn't like presents?"_

_Iris just bites her lip. It's not going the way she had wanted it to. There's a long pause._

_"Is this all you wanted to talk to me about? What was all that hesitation for? I honestly thought you were going to tell me something so serious."_

_Iris just shrugs awkwardly in response. She turns away from Barry. She starts writing furiously. She finishes. She turns to face him. He is sincerely looking at the laptop screen and working._

_She pokes him and passes the note. "Read it, please. Don't judge me. Don't tell anyone. And please... please don't treat me any differently."_

_He takes the note from her trembling hands softly. He starts reading it. He pauses and gulps. He doesn't look at her. He cannot look at her. He reads it again just to be sure, he doesn't want to misunderstand._

_It reads, **'I like you. You are smart, nice, kind... a wonderful person. I don't know when it started or how or why. I just do. Do you get it? This is not a normal 'friendship' like. No, I don't want anything from you. I already know you like someone else. You won't like someone like me even if I were a guy. I have been hearing about your crush from our team mates for quite a while, after all.'**_

**_'I know you don't like me. But I just wanted you to know. I hope I haven't ruined things between us. I will be leaving in a couple of weeks. I haven't told anyone. I am changing my career path. I want to be a journalist. I am quitting. So, please... please treat me normally... please just don't avoid me.'_ **

**_'I have written a poem about you, do you want to read it? And if I give you a personal gift for Christmas, will you accept it? Or will it be too awkward? Please do answer. I will perfectly understand if you don't want to.'_ **

_Barry's eyes flit across the page again and again. He takes in a deep breath, closes his eyes and opens them again. He passes the book back to her. Iris is a little disappointed that there's no feeling. Of course, she knows that Barry doesn't like her in that way but she had expected him to be at least happy. How can a person not feel anything when they are being confessed to, when they are being loved?_

_She herself will probably like it if someone has a crush on her. Of course, it will be most likely painful for the other person if she doesn't like them but it's a nice feeling to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved, to be a support, to be in a meaningful relationship. She knows the pain of unrequited love the best, she is after all, going through it currently. She is brought out of her thoughts._

_"Is the gift only for me or for everyone in the team?"_

_Iris answers without hesitation, "It's only for you."_

_Barry sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn't feel comfortable at all. He shakes his head in denial hoping that Iris will understand. He doesn't want to say it out loud._

_Iris looks a little put off but she nods. "I understand. I won't give you the gift."_

 

_She has to cancel her order. She had already ordered it. She will leave it out. She curses herself mentally._

 

_She hesitantly asks, she forces herself to ask because she is an idiot, "The p-oem?"_

 

_Barry nods. "I will read it, yes." He can do that. He can at least do that. He just nods to himself again._

 

_She is surprised. She thought that Barry would say no to that as well._

 

_Barry doesn't look into her eyes, he does not turn to her side. He continues to type and she realizes that she has taken more time than necessary. She sighs to herself and turns back to her laptop and starts working with a heavy heart._

 

_She thanks all known Gods that everyone else is in the meeting. The meeting has not ended yet. She is even more thankful that no one had interrupted them, her team mates have a bad habit of appearing out of nowhere at the most awkward and unexpected times, even if they are supposedly in a meeting._

 

_After a few minutes, Barry gets up and walks out. She tries her best to not look at him, in his direction in general. She doesn't want to think that it is because it is too uncomfortable and overwhelming for him to be beside her. Is it because he feels pity for her or is it because he hates her, she doesn't know. She doesn't want to know. She doesn't want his pity or his hatred._

 

_She murmurs to herself, "I won't regret this, I won't regret this, I won't regret this."_

 

_After an hour, Barry is still not back, her team mates are probably discussing the next steps - the meeting should have ended half an hour ago and their clients are very busy people - and she has finished her work for the day._

 

_She gets up and walks with a heavy heart towards the meeting room. She stands outside the room for sometime, they are all in deep discussion. She doesn't know if she should interrupt or not. Joe sees her and just laughs, everyone immediately looks at her awkward dance and roll their eyes. She pokes her head in and says, "I am leaving for the night. Do you guys need something?"_

 

_They all shake their head and wish her good night. She leaves._

 

_She takes a deep breath. Barry is sitting near the break out area with his phone. She walks up to him and forces a smile, "Good night."_

 

_He is startled but he still smiles and her heart melts even more. "Good night, Iris."_

 

_She leaves. She doesn't look back._

 

**********

 

Caitlin doesn't say anything. Iris doesn't expect her to.

 

Iris shrugs, "I asked people. No one in their right mind will confess to someone who likes someone else. I just wanted him to know. You might not understand, I remember you saying, 'If you are going to stay, confess, else it's useless, it's futile'."

 

"I knew it was futile from start, even if I stayed. But I just wanted to get it out because I wanted to move on, you know. I deluded myself that there was a very very very small chance. But once I know for sure, I can move on. It helps. It might be stupid and it might be like I am just digging a pit and hurting myself more but I had to do it."

 

Caitlin just rubs Iris' shoulders gently.

 

Iris tries to not think about things too much. It's still all a bit too recent and raw. She is moving on but it will take time. She still remembers the day clearly. She can never forget it. It was December 14, the date is similar to February 14, the irony does not escape Iris.

 

He was wearing a blue formal shirt with long sleeves and cream colored pants, she had never seen him before in it. Dark colors always look good on him - especially black and royal blue, of course red, white, pink as well but she doesn't want to over think this. Oh wait, she already is, isn't she?

 

He had just shaved a few days back and he always looks pale and childish after a shave and a hair cut. The way he always wears his long sleeves rolled up makes her heart flutter and thud against her chest all the time. His long white fingers as they type and the way his eyes light up as he smiles or laughs, his soft deep voice has always drawn her to him like the cheesy moth to a flame.

 

He hasn't ruined her or burnt her completely, he hadn't meant to hurt her, she had gotten herself hurt anyway. But she is sure that she can get back up.

 

He is good looking, yes. She had always known and acknowledged that. He is cute. People will have to be blind to not see that. But there is more to it. The way he is smart and the way he sometimes is awkward and the way he speaks once he comes out of his shell, his little mannerisms and her little crush had grown without her even realizing it.

 

She slowly realized that she would do anything for him, protect him, help him, support him. Even if he became a bad person or had secrets, she will accept him without hesitation because no one is entirely perfect, no one is white or black, people are grey and that's life. Maybe she can help him get back on track. Maybe she can listen to his worries, maybe she can be his haven. Of course, she can never tell him all that because she is not the one he wants when he is down. 

 

Caitlin looks at Iris' weird fluctuating emotions and shakes her head.

 

She smiles to herself and thinks of the different scenarios she had imagined. She has a vivid imagination, side effects of being a writer. Looking back, she realizes that she had deluded herself so much.

 

**********

 

_/*_

_"I like you too."_

_Iris opens and closes her mouth in disbelief. She hadn't expected that. She stutters, "W-what... y-ou... are gay, you have a crush on someone else!"_

_Barry rolls his eyes and smiles fondly. "I am bisexual, I recently discovered that about myself. I am not going into details of that right now. Why would you voluntarily confess if you already know that someone won't like you?"_

_He then looks down, she can see the red color on his cheeks, he is a little bit embarrassed as well. She opens her mouth to reply but he just shakes his head._

_He looks at her and says, "And I have always liked you, not in that manner of course but you are a good person and that is just a silly crush. I am willing to give this a try if you are. I don't know what will happen but if you are OK with no promises for now and us figuring out things as time goes, I am up for it. Of course, I will understand if you don't want to take chances."_

_She has to try so much to not let tears fell. She doesn't trust herself to speak. She just nods vigorously. She knows Barry, he will be sincere. He won't take advantage of her._

_Barry being Barry understands and awkwardly hugs her from one side with his ridiculously long and elegant arm gently rest on her back. She just leans on to him and rests her head on his shoulder._

_*/_

**********

_/*_

_It has been a few weeks after she had left her old team. She is making new friends in her new team and meeting up with old friends as well. She has some time on her hand now. She misses her old team of course but sometimes she thinks that they are better off without her be it work or relationship related. She has never been talkative and she liked to read or write by herself, being a single child, she has always been used to being alone. Sometimes she does get lonely but she has never been a 'people or group' kind of person._

_Sometimes she wonders how if she had made things awkward for them by not opening up much when they were hanging out together. She just wishes that she had helped them enough._

_Even now, she hesitates a little before contacting them for just a casual lunch or dinner. She knows they are busy and sometimes she feels ignored when she sits among them because she usually doesn't know what they are talking about. She is fine being alone among strangers but when it's among people she knows, she just feels more lonely._

_She misses them and loves them and wants to help them so much but she knows it's time to move on. She shouldn't disturb Barry and after all she had told him that she would get out of his hair within weeks when she had confessed to him. She is glad that during those two weeks, he hadn't ignored her but she knows that it must have been super hard and uncomfortable for him. He never showed it outwardly though._

_She doesn't understand the reason behind it though. If someone confesses to her and she doesn't like them back, she will just tell them directly to not feel awkward around her, that she won't judge or treat them any differently. And she really will not do that. Is that wrong? Maybe the person who likes her will be hurt if she treats them normally because that will just emphasize the fact that she doesn't like them clearly?_

_She knows that Barry doesn't like her, she knew that when she confessed. But she had wanted to be treated normally because frankly, it would hurt more to be ignored. At least for her, it is like that. Different people are wired differently._

_She shakes her head. She has been trying to avoid negative thoughts for a while, go on long walks, smile more, read and write more with her free time. She has also taken up yoga and meditation recently along with trying to develop her technical skills._

_She is currently sitting in the cafeteria with her old friend. It's good to open up once in a while. She is glad for the distraction because lately whenever she came to the cafeteria, she somehow always ends up seeing her old team. It's a good thing because she can talk with them. And it's also a bad thing because Barry is usually with them almost always._

_And she knows that she will probably end up ignoring him or will not respond to him normally because she has been trying to get over him and mostly it's working. If she sees him, she will probably not be able to control herself._

_And mostly her old team mates keep to themselves. She doesn't know how she always ends up seeing them, she sometimes wants to run away from them and sometimes she voluntarily goes and sits with them. She doesn't know if they ignore her or if she is trying to ignore them at times. But it's always good to avoid misunderstandings and rude behavior. She always smiles at them but sometimes if she's in a hurry or in a bad mood, she can't help it._

_She tries to avoid them but she doesn't go out of her way to do it. She doesn't want them to think that she is avoiding them because that will be really really a bad thing on her part to do it. It's not that she hates them, it's just that she thinks that they won't be comfortable with her around._

_It's interesting how she always ends up seeing Barry at the cafeteria no matter when she goes or where she sits. But she is very sure that these encounters will decrease exponentially because of their different work and timings. She is waiting for that to happen._

_She has been trying to avoid him but in a way that he will not be aware of it. Because she knows how painful it will be to be avoided by someone, isn't that why she had asked him not to ignore her in the first place? Had she put him on a difficult stop by asking that? She shakes her head._

_But somehow she always sees him even if it's for a few seconds. She has to de-sensitize herself, she has to get away from him and stop unnecessary thoughts about him and one way to do that is to not see his face and she is sure that it will help her._

_The longer she stays away, the longer she doesn't see him, she can start believing in herself that she doesn't miss him, she can put the feelings away and slowly forget about him, get over him and move on. She knows that she can move on. She is strong enough for that._

_Moreover she doesn't know if she wants to spend more time with her old team or run away from them in the opposite direction. She wants to go help them, she doesn't want them to be over worked but sometimes she things that they are better off without her, that they are more comfortable and free with each other._

_She shakes her head and continues to catch up with her old friend. They finish eating and take a walk outside for a good 30 minutes and her mind is more clear._

_She thanks him and heads back into the office where she literally runs into Barry._

_He glares at her a little and she just shrugs it off. It must be one of those bad work days. She just smiles at him and asks, "How's work?"_

_He just nods._

_"Need help with anything? Need an extra hand?" He doesn't have to know that she will gladly go to her old team's bay if he were to be absent._

_He shakes his head. "It's fine. No issues, we can take care of it."_

_She smiles again. It's really good to hear that they are not drowned in too much work._

_"Have a nice day! I have to go now."_

_Barry just awkwardly shrugs and turns away._

_Before she can leave or think of anything about what Barry's currently wearing - it's a white long sleeved shirt with a black sweater on top and that's her favorite look - his voice stops her._

_"Did you really like me or were you just deluding yourself? Maybe you just wanted someone to like because you were lonely?  Why was it me, though?"_

_Iris freezes, did those words just come out of Barry's mouth out of all people?_

_She just looks at him, waiting for him to say something, in case that had been just her imagination._

_"You are already with a new person. You seem pretty close. You are already over me or was it just a dare when you confessed to me?"_

_Iris snaps. She takes a few deep breaths. She is not sad, she is furious. She can either make him hurt by lashing out at him or throwing cold words at him or just show that she is sad._

_"You never liked me in the first place. Who are you to have a claim on me or to judge me? He is a good friend but why should I even explain myself to you? You are so out of line." or_

_"Leave me alone. If you can't be with me, don't try to remind me of things. Don't try to lead me on when there's no hope."_

_She doesn't say either of those things, especially not the latter. Why will she want to show him a bad side of her voluntarily when she can just avoid the situation and walk away like a mature person, unlike the immature brat that Barry is currently trying to be._

_She glares at him and Barry shrinks back a little. She doesn't want to know why he is coming up to her and saying things like these. She takes a few more deep breaths. "Mind your own business."_

_She turns on her heel and stalks away before she can read his expression and change her mind._

_*/_

**********

 

It has been two weeks since she told Iris and has moved out of old team to a new team. She tries to meet Caitlin as often as she can. She knows how tough work is in her old team.

 

She feels a little sad. Barry hasn't read her poem. And she knows that he will not read it for sure. Again, she doesn't know if she wants him to read it or not. But neither of them will take the first step, will they now?

 

She will not ask him on her own. She has already taken enough first steps. She knows that she will not regret it but sometimes she wishes that she hadn't told him. 

 

She will show him the poem, only if he asks her and he really will not do so. People like to read poems from someone whom they like, usually not from someone who likes them. And is she ready to pour out her heart and soul to him? To let him know of all the things that she wants to do with him and for him? To let him read her deepest desires and secret and her changed personality?

 

She is currently with Caitlin in the cafeteria catching up for snacks. She hopes at times that she doesn't run into Barry even though she was the one who asked him not to ignore her. She sometimes runs into him on the staircase, he smiles and asks her about her day and last date.

 

Why do people always keep asking her about her last date? She remembers telling the same person a lot of times. Do they not want to remember or is it because of something else? She wishes she were better at understanding people.

 

On the outside, she is extroverted and looks strong and behaves in an optimistic way but on the inside, it's just the opposite. She hopes no one will notice. She is not ready for that big step. She doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes easily, can't find correct words quickly enough for responses to different topics and constantly over thinks and creates a scenario before actually acting it out with said person.

 

Somehow, no one has caught her in action. How the fuck did she even escape all along? But she is grateful that she has.

 

But recently, she has been extremely awkward with her ex team mates when she ran into them. She doesn't know how to behave in front of them, she knows that she should just be her old self, that she should be normal but it seems like they don't know how to behave with her as well. But it doesn't matter anymore, after all.

 

Caitlin coughs. "Are you listening to me? I hope you are not day dreaming. I have been trying to tell you about all the changes that have happened in our team."

 

Iris nods. She can multitask. "I have been listening."

 

Caitlin rolls her eyes, waiting for Iris to speak first. 

 

"He really moved in next to my parents' house?"

 

Caitlin sighs, "Of all the things that I tell you, you latch on to this one. Yes, they have shifted."

 

Iris shrugs. She has been living away from her dad and brother, since she started work. She wanted to be independent and they had understood. Barry lives with his parents, only a few blocks away from her dad's house. Right now, they are practically moving next door and she might run into him a lot, something she wants to avoid.

 

Because she will start wanting again, imagining that he might run into her and offer her rides. Or worse, imagining that he might ignore her. Moreover, why the hell hasn't Joe or Wally told her? Do they know that she likes Barry and are plotting something behind her back? But they know that Barry is gay and she has been hiding it well. She sighs.

 

Iris then back peddles. "What do you mean by 'crazy'?"

 

Caitlin laughs, "Knew that would bother you. The new person who moved into our team apparently worked under you for only week. So why are you taking his labeling of you as 'crazy' seriously? It doesn't even mean anything."

 

Iris just shrugs, she is not convinced but she will let go of this for now. Seriously, Caitlin shouldn't have told her about Barry moving in next door. She is a person with her head in clouds most of the time, she might not even have found out - she would have, of course she practically lives with Joe and Wally even though she has a separate place of her own.

 

Moreover, she has only three months left to go abroad for her higher studies. She can do this.

 

"Are you still trying to give exam for his position?"

 

Iris shakes her head, "I wanted to. Not anymore though. I haven't given up learning though. I did wish I knew more so that I could help him with work or just talk to him about technical stuff. But after I started, it's not just because of him."

 

Caitlin nods. She knows. Iris is someone who tries constantly to improve herself, to improve her skills and knowledge.

 

But she still has her doubts. "Do you think that's a good motivation? Trying to learn something because the one you have a crush on is knowledgeable?"

 

Iris doesn't back down. "You don't have to be worried about me, Cait. I know what I am doing. If I honestly had no interest in the subject, I wouldn't be forcing myself to learn just because he knows it. I like it, that's why I am doing it. I have to attend interviews soon after I finish my studies, I need to keep improving my skill sets and I have the time to do that in my new team right now."

 

Cait nods again. 

 

Iris goes on, "I get where you are coming from. But motivation - as long as it doesn't hurt others and yourself, as long as it is not born from negative feelings, I think it should be fine. Maybe this is not a good enough motivation but my needs changed along the line. I like him, yes. But I am not stupid enough to ruin my future for someone whom I can't have, for someone who doesn't like me. And even for someone who likes me, my future is my business."

 

"I have to be a little selfish, I am doing this for myself. I like him, yes, I am getting over it yes, sometimes I slip back yes, but this is not serious love, do you understand?"

 

Caitlin smiles in satisfaction.

 

Iris smiles back. "I saw him today when I was leaving my dad's house. He didn't see me. He was getting into a cab for office. He was wearing his blue shirt and white pants, looking beautiful as usual." She giggles a little.

 

"Are you sure that he did not see you? Maybe he just didn't want to give you a ride? Is he avoiding you?"

 

Iris sighs, "My God, you are my friend, you are his friend as well. You can understand both of our view points. You don't have to be rude about him just because I got my heart broken, you know? I think it's best if he didn't call out to me for a ride. I would probably misunderstand or start hoping again just when I am starting to move on. Maybe he was considering my feelings."

 

Caitlin doesn't back down. "Or maybe he was just being rude. Maybe you are just biased because you like him?"

 

Iris doesn't know how to reply. After a long pause, she says. "You don't have to do this. I am perfectly fine if you think what Barry did is the right thing as well. No matter how close people are, there are certain things that we will not know about them. It's not possible to know everything about someone, no matter how close you are."

 

"If they behave differently from our perceived thoughts, it is not our fault, it is not their fault either. Everyone changes constantly. There is no need for a judgement. It's not surprising that Barry is acting this way. Maybe I burdened him. Maybe I didn't. It's fine. Don't over think, Cait. I am trying not to as well."

 

Caitlin is a bit surprised. She knows that Iris can be both mature and childish at the same time, but Iris' serious side never fails to take her by surprise.

 

She tries to lighten the mood. "Are you being realistic? Or is it just self pity? Or is it delusion?"

 

Iris snorts and doesn't reply. 

 

Caitlin then quickly back pedals. "So, you did imagine being given a ride by him? Or maybe just walking together when you run into each other by 'accident'? Maybe imagining that he might ping you?"

 

Iris is going to go mad for sure. "Are you bipolar? You were just pissed off at him! And now you are asking me about sweet things? These are never going to happen!"

 

"Yes, reality sucks. Reality doesn't go the way we want to. That's why we have our imagination, right?"

 

Iris smirks. "I have to admit, this is good material for my stories. Maybe I can write a Flash fanfiction, what do you think?" The writer in her never stops even if she has writer's block or if she is not writing. 

 

She may not find the will to write at times and may think about different scenarios at the same time and find it difficult to see through all of them them or choose among them... but her mind and thoughts never stop. She loves English after all.

 

It's fun talking with Caitlin. She does miss her old team from time to time. Thinking about the times that they were happy together, with or without her. It is always nice to think about them being close with each other, even if she is not a part of that anymore. 

 

Kind of nostalgia. She wishes she had been closer with them, she wishes she had broken barriers and made them more comfortable but it had been a good experience over all. She wishes she hadn't changed her attitude when she knew that she was going to leave her old team. She wishes that they had parted on better terms. 

 

Sometimes she wonders if it's wrong of her only to keep in touch with Caitlin. But they can ping her anytime as well. And she does wish them and asks about their day when she runs into them. It should be fine. It's too late and things can't go back.

 

This is a learning. She can change her behavior in future accordingly. That's all. She will learn from her actions.

 

Iris then tilts her head. "So, you were saying about how the new guy called me 'crazy'..."

 

"You are still hung up on that?"

 

"Please, that doesn't matter. But I am curious... did Barry say something about me when you guys were talking about me?"

 

"Oh! Sorry to burst your bubble, he wasn't there. He was out at that time, unfortunately. And one more thing, we got awards for our performance, Barry and me. I was so surprised, I didn't know that I would get one too, I knew about Barry's though, all of us did. After all, he did work on that important project all by himself without any of our help, not that we could help him much with visualizations."

 

Iris pats Cait on the back. "Why do you always put yourself down when you do amazing work? You deserve it as well!"

 

Caitlin blushes a little and tries to shrug it away but internally, she feels very happy about the compliment from Iris. After all Iris is kind of a little bit senior to her.

 

Caitlin asks, "You don't want to know what others spoke about you?" 

 

Iris shakes her head. "I wouldn't have asked you about Barry either. Just couldn't help myself. It has been a long time, couldn't hold myself back. It's better to not know certain things."

 

She then continues, "By the way, you are not the only one who knows about the crush."

 

Caitlin kind of had a feeling. It must be Kara Denvers. Kara used to be a senior in their team when Iris had first come in and they had been kind of close.

 

"Is it Kara?" Iris is not surprised that Caitlin knows. After all, the team knows that she keeps in touch with Kara often though they don't like Kara much. Iris is yet to understand the hard feelings between her old team and Kara. 

 

"She told me that it was fine to have a crush. I was feeling guilty about having a crush on a gay team mate. She told me that as long as it doesn't affect anyone, it's fine, a harmless crush but that I should move on, be strong and be happy. Not like I didn't know, it was hard for me to accept and there was no one to talk with. She helped in a weird way."

 

"Team mate?"

 

Iris shrugs, "We maybe known as childhood friends to the world. But growing up, it was not like we were extremely close. Barry was better friends with others than with me. Our parents thought we were close, our parents were super close. I thought I was close with him as well but not exactly. It's fine. Didn't feel like correcting anybody till now. It's time that I seriously move on." 

 

"Have you been in love with him for a while?"

 

"I honestly don't know when it started. But it's fine. I will be fine soon."

 

Caitlin gently places her hand on Iris' hand.

 

"Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

 

Iris replies, "Sure, go ahead."

 

"If your new team manager or a new crush were to be Barry's crush, will you let Barry have him?"

 

Iris thinks for a while. "I will let Barry have him if he likes Barry as well. Else I won't give up. I don't want to go through all this pain once again and that too indirectly through my first crush."

 

Caitlin laughs. "But... if he really likes Barry, you will actually help him without letting either of them know that you like them, right? You will set them up and watch from far away like an idiot."

 

"It's better to let go of things that will hurt you. I would rather them be happy with each other and be stupid rather than hold on tightly, hurting everyone in the process kind of idiot. It might get easier the second time, moving on. Or you never know, I might find a keeper."

 

Caitlin desperately hopes that Iris finds someone special. 

 

"I might feel mischievous a little though and might try to get a little bit of revenge on them using childish ways, who knows..."

 

She then looks at Caitlin seriously. "Is my new team mate really his crush?"

 

After all the teasing and fun, Iris really doesn't know the object of Barry's affections. Maybe it's better she doesn't so that she will not compare herself with him.

 

Caitlin shakes her head, "That was a hypothetical question."

 

Iris' eyes narrow. "Will you really tell me? You do know, don't you? You are just avoiding and delaying showing him to me."

 

Caitlin doesn't reply. 

 

She changes topics. "I heard that you are having a new image in your new team. That you are optimistic and crazy good and actually talking well. Not like you didn't talk before, you hid it well that you are naturally awkward, I knew because we are close... it seems more realistic now."

 

Was it a bad idea for Iris to have made Caitlin meet with her new team mate? Caitlin and Jesse Quick had gotten along like a house on fire because of their similar interests and love for animals and all things cold and fast.

 

They had even ganged up and teased her. Of course, Jesse doesn't know about Iris a lot but they became quick friends easily. Iris really is learning a lot from her awkward past encounters. Sometimes she still is a bit awkward, but it's much better than before, it's not suffocating or silent like before.

 

Iris rolls her eyes. She decides to continue talking to Caitlin about the new Korean dramas she has started to watch. After all, it's thanks to Caitlin that she has gotten addicted. It's always nice to talk to Caitlin - be it about dramas or about her personal life or about work - mostly they talk about not so serious stuff but it is just nice to hang out with Caitlin, to have someone on her side, someone she is comfortable with, someone to just talk to. 

**********

 

It has been nearly two months since she moved out of her old team. She has only one more month left in the company. She doesn't think about Barry a lot. She doesn't get sad for no reason. She has been doing her best to move forward with both her career and emotions.

 

She does think about Barry at least once a while. 

 

She has some good memories - the times when she sat close to him and shifted her chair subtly on purpose just so that their knees would be touching. The times when they sat on the side of a corner, they would both bend back and their arms would brush against each other. 

 

The time when they shifted to a new room and she asked him to sit beside her. The time when she had gotten angry when he and Caitlin had made fun of her childish nature, about her still liking cartoons. 

 

She honestly thinks that the world will be a better place if people were to retain their childish nature from time to time. She is a stupid idealist at times - thankfully a handful of times - thinking that the world will be better without negative things, emotions and people. Of course, that's utopia and heaven, not real life.

 

The times when they had a cake cutting for a team mate's birthday and she would secretly take photos of Barry - She has deleted all of them now. She doesn't think about sending him a friend request or reading his posts online anymore. 

 

She doesn't wish anymore that they will have a cake cutting for her, her last birthday with the team, there wasn't one. She doesn't over think the reason and they won't have time for it when she will be leaving soon. She is not a stalker, she doesn't wish or yearn for useless things anymore. She has more important things to think about. She has to grow stronger and better. Useless emotions and wishful thinking are not going to help. 

 

The time when he had spoken to her about his relation's grand wedding and his family traditions. The times when he had asked for her help with work.

 

That one time when he had some serious neck pain. That was the only time she had been kind of aggressive with him. She had offered him her help but he had gently denied it saying that he deserved the pain, that his mother went through more pain everyday just because she was a doctor, that he can handle it.

 

Iris had been taken aback, sometimes even she thought that she deserved pain because of the mistakes she did knowingly or unknowingly. She had understood it but hadn't known how to reply or help him. Oliver had helped him later, thankfully.

 

The one time she had gone back after she had moved out to help them out because of workload.

 

He had been surprised to see her. When she was leaving, he had been like, "Are you not going to come back?"

 

That had made her stupidly, deliriously happy. She just playfully had responded, "Do you not want me to?"

 

He had rolled his eyes. "Why am I asking you if I don't want you to?"

 

Maybe that had just been because he had wanted to be nice or maybe he had wanted her help or maybe it was how he normally reacted or behaved. 

 

The one time she had been really sick and still had to go to office because Barry and Cait were new to work. She had been so sleepy and had slept on the desk wishing that Barry would be there next to her. She had woken up to Cait and Barry's conversation. She had gotten up and had almost fallen down because she had been dizzy and she had caught hold of Barry's hand, he had been standing beside her.

 

The time when she had been jealous of Joe and Cecile, Cecile had been sick and she had borrowed Joes's sweatshirt.

 

The next day after her confession, Barry had called out to her normally for help with his work and she had nearly cried.

 

Small things, silly things. All these thoughts are slowly fading, the intensity diminishing. She is grateful.

 

Because she has to work hard and can't afford to be distracted. She is moving on. It might take a little bit more time, she might slip back at times but she is not the one to give up. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

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> Thank you for reading :D Have a nice day!


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